How to stay relevant in development aid

This is the 9 point plan.

  1. Get a white head and put it at the top of your organization, even if they cant function for a bit, it just makes donors assured that their money will not be stolen. Get an African to tell about their stories, they will be amazed at his ability to speak English and give money in return.Image
  2. Spend your money well, within the budget lines you send within your proposal. Ensure that you have an audit report that is current and unquestionable. Endeavor to remain “transparent and accountable”, if possible, engrave it on a tablet on your wall as one of your most cherished “core values”. Be modest in your spending, look as if you spend nothing on your administration costs, pay your staff poorly, this assures development partners that you are not about money.
  3. Meet “like minded” friends and would be partners in members clubs and strike deals and alliances that make the other competitor irrelevant, stay on top of things and sell your alliance as the best outfit that will solve the world largest crisis. Conspire against all your competitors, tell about how their models, strategies and approaches are outdated, emphasize their flaws, and come out as being the most “strategic partner”.
  4. Establish an institution that probably does nothing, but writes fancy reports, log-frames and flashy end of year reports. Distribute these via snail mail, email and tweet them to thousands of would be supporters. Gather statistics to back up your documents; hire a consultant to research on the issue and publish a report that you will quote heavily in your proposals. Speak passion, it can never be measured.
  5. Strengthen your communications department; hire a social media guru, a storyteller, a good graphics designer and produce the most flashy publications, even when all they contain are cooked up lies of perceived impact you delivered. People have a way of believing crap that is well presented.
  6. Be timely for meetings, have cool PowerPoint, never walk without a flash disc that has a PowerPoint that you can make at the request of a prospective funder. Carry a laptop or ipad any place you go. You never know, someone might need a presentation. Buy a smart phone and ensure you respond to all your emails at all times, even when making love, or sipping mocha at java. Remember to have a cool signature at the bottom of your email.
  7. Write papers, publish stuff, and organize conferences to disseminate the shit you have written; ask the stakeholders to feel free as they quote it for their next reports and proposals. Color your annual report with pictures of emaciated Africa children, some eating from bins, others carrying heavy loads on their heads and some with heavy steady mucous dripping from their nose.
  8. Curve your niche, use every available chisel to curve it, even if it involves spiting on your perceived competitors, curve the damn niche, and show how the development world cannot live without your services. Look like Jesus, the savior, the meek yet able leader, be the master thinker, and tell the world that you could save the world from all its pains and sufferings.
  9. Finally, rebrand often in order to stay within the confines of relevance and development priorities. Do not wind up even when work is done. Instead, create a new problem from the 1st problem, and make the 2nd problem look even deeper and needier. Find a 3rd problem and connect it to the 2nd and the 1st. Make it a chain of problems that only you can solve, of course with support from development partners.

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You will never get out of business.

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